Tale Of Idiocy Part I

I had originally posted this on my prior blog. After posting it and still to this day, I have been bombarded with requests for me to detail, yet again, what an idiot I am/was on the sad, sad day I trapped myself behind the dryer...while naked. Yes, it's true. Naked. I have decided to yield to the demand and illustrate what a true and total blockhead I am.

For posterity's sake, here is the original post that led to the aftermath I am about to post...

Tale Of Idiocy

If you know anything about me at all, I'm sure you read the title of this post and assumed it was about someone else. Some poor putz that had somehow come across the misfortune of displaying their stupidity in my general direction.

Unfortunately, you would be incorrect if you made this assumption. That's right. You read me correctly. I. Am. An. Idiot!

Let me count the ways...

Today I was helping to run the booth for my company at an industry expo. The theme was "CASINO", so my job was to build hype for our booth while people spun the wheel to win prizes. This went fine, though we were getting glares from our booth neighbors because we (okay, mostly me) were being so loud and wild that:
a) we were getting all the traffic
b)we were giving splitting headaches to the unlucky peeps parked next to us and
c)are you allowed to have that much fun at a company expo?

We had a line of people pretty much at all times waiting to come play in our booth. This says a lot because our prizes were pretty lame. Keychains, can cozies, travel mugs. I don't think I would stand in line for any of those things unless they were covered in chocolate or lined with money. But alas they were not and surprisingly, people were standing in line.

In the middle of the melee, I took a break to go to the Necessary. This expo was held at the Santa Clara Convention Center here in Silicon Valley. You can imagine how huge Silicon Valley's convention center would need to be, right? Huuu-uuuu-uuuuge. So by the time I found the bathrooms, I was so, er, ready, I was doing the thigh-tight shuffle into the stall. I knew at that moment that the stall was small, but I was so focused on trying not to pee in my pants and subsequently being the booth whose only draw would be "Guess That Smell", that I didn't pay attention to how I got in. This was my first mistake.

So I had checked my shoes for parasitic toilet paper and was ready to make my departure to the sinks and I...couldn't.... get... the...door...open. Ok, no reason to panic. I backed up and tried to straddle the toilet, but there wasn't room on either side for my legs. We are talking smaller than an airplane bathroom here. Alright. I have options. I can try to shimmy under the door (ew), but honestly, I don't think even Jupiter's gravity could help my tummy make that clearance. Hmm. I could try to climb over, but not only did that seem unlikely and unsafe, it also seemed way too Cirque du Soleil for me. Ummmmm. I could bust the door down? Not really a good look for a delicate flower like me. So I decided to just contort my fat around the door. That makes sense, right?

I managed to get a thigh out and while praying that nobody came in and made the supposition that I was a toilet burglar trying to sneak away from my crime, I contorted my tummy around the door. At one point I was a little stuck and finally just pulled the door as hard as I could, pulling the buttons on my blouse so that many of them came unbuttoned.

Unfortunately, because I am either the most unlucky sap on the planet or the Big Man upstairs was feeling frisky, someone came in to the bathroom right about then. Here I am, mildly sweaty and red-faced, with my shirt undone coming out of a stall. Riiiighhhht.

I smiled and buttoned my shirt and quickly washed my hands. As I was scurrying back to the booth, I noticed that there was a very large, full sized bathroom about thirty feet from my booth. Nice.

So all this just makes me fat, right? How does this make me an idiot, you ask?

I'll tell you how. I got home and was telling my darling husband about my horrible experience and as I was saying that I was stuck, he said, "So did you just stand on the toilet so you had clearance to open the door?"

Not only did this never occur to me, it took me a minute to even understand what he was saying! This, my friends, is what makes me an idiot!

This is also further evidence to the fact that men think differently than women. Jerks.

And sadly, while this makes me feel stupid, it does not make me feel nearly as stupid as the time I got caught naked behind my dryer and couldn't get out. But that's a tale of idiocy for another time.