As requested....

I should be ashamed of myself and, well, I am.

I cannot believe I did it. I can't. I'm just sitting here shaking my head at myself. What in the sam hill was I thinking?

What I'm about to divulge might change your opinion of me...it's starting to make me wonder about myself.

Ready? I can't believe I'm going to say this outloud. Here goes:

I joined Facebook.

::ducking::

I KNOW! I KNOW!

I have resisted for so long! Then I felt the sudden urge to stalk someone from high school... did a google search on the skank and looky there...she has a FaceBook page. What? I can't see without being a friend? What does that mean? If I sign up for Facebook, can I see her? Can I see how she's been divorced 9 times and recently got fired from her job as official toilet scrubber of Texas rest stops because she's a jerk?

How in this wide world is someone supposed to be a proper stalker if they cannot properly stalk? Sheesh, people. A little help here?

I thought about it. I have gotten many invitations to join what I previously referred to as "The Devil's Network". I'm a grown woman! I don't need that crap. Do I ? Nooo. Wait. Do I?

With baited breath, I clicked on the "JOIN NOW" button. I felt so dirty! I felt like I had just stuffed those five twinkies in my mouth in the back room at the Weight Watchers meeting and turned around to find the group leader getting a glass of water. (Incidentally, that never really happened. I would never attempt to put FIVE twinkies in my mouth at one time. That would just be silly. Everyone knows you can't taste more than four at at time).

I quickly filled out all the fields it said were required. Never have I typed so fast! It's like the 5 second rule... if it takes me less than a minute to fill everything out, it's certainly not important enough to matter, right? Right!

So there I was. I had a profile. I had uploaded my favorite eyeball. We're all set. Now what?

Well, on Facebook, even as a member, you cannot see most people's information without asking them to be their friend.

Oh, giant crapballs.

As most of you know, I'm not very good with people. In fact, I'm surprised I haven't been completely ostracized yet. I keep checking the mailbox for that letter.

Now I have to ask people to be my friends? I usually just wait for people I know to move away and then just tell everyone we were friends. It saves all parties involved a lot of needless heartache and restraining orders.

At least Facebook makes it easy. They will import all of your contacts from your email program and see if there are members with matching email addresses. Then you just send one mass email and hope against hope that they won't realize it's you that's asking. Or maybe that's just me. At any rate, in a few clicks of the keyboard, I had asked people to be my friends!

Oh, God...what have I done? I have singlehandedly opened myself up for more rejection than the senior Sadie Hawkins dance. What if they refuse? What if they laugh and then refuse? What if they forward a copy of my pathetic request to the aforementioned skank and they have a party celebrating my loserhood? Well...too late now.

::DING::

What? What was that? It appears I have an email...oh wow..it's from Facebook. Unsuspecting Friend has added you to his friend's list.

HOT DIGGITY!!! I have a friend! It's official! It says it in black and white. GreenEyedGirl has 1, count them, er, it...1 friend! Ha. Take that Toilet Scrubbing Skank! I stayed up as long as I dared waiting and watching for any other Unsuspecting Friends. Alas, it was late. I called it a night and went to bed.

Next morning, I was going through my ususal morning routine and checked my email. 9 emails from Facebook. WOAH!! 9 MORE FRIENDS!!! Ha! A grand total of 10 friends! And since that time, I've been lost. Obesessed, even. I hear that email ding and I could be in the middle of receiving the Nobel Peace Prize and I will drop the blasted thing to see if that's one more friend. Pathetic, I know.

The problem now is that I keep looking for people I can ask if they will be my friend. It's like a contest now. I found Skank's profile and while I can't see it, I can see how many friends she has. Until I have more friends than she has, I will message complete strangers and offer to PayPal them some cash if they accept me as their friend. It's no different from 8th grade year, really.

So if you're in the market for a little extra cash, feel free to look me up on Facebook. I promise not to stalk you anymore than usual.