"Unpossible!" you say. No, no, it's true. Bear with my recap of the conversations that led me to this conclusion and I'm sure you'll agree. It started like this...
Conversation #1
Me: "Honey? Have you seen my glasses? I can't find my
glasses."
Mike: ::typing on his laptop and refusing to make eye
contact::
"No, I haven't. When did you last see them?"
Me: "You're such a wisenheimer. You know I can't see
without my glasses. You're just mean. You never
help me with anything."
Mike: ::still typing, shakes head::
"No, I was asking when the last time was that you
had them."
Me: "Oh. Um, last night?"
Mike: ::typing slower::
"Did you check the couch? Did you check the
nightstand? Did you check the bathroom?"
Me: "Well, no. I pretty much stood here and didn't see
them and I thought you might know where they
are."
Mike: ::putting down the laptop, still not making eye
contact, walks into the bedroom, retrieves glasses
from nightstand, walks back into the living room,
hands glasses to me, picks up laptop, continues
typing::
Me: "Thanks. I knew you knew where they were."
Conversation #2
Me: ::grumbly and starting to get indignant::
"HEY! Employee #1! Where's that thing I asked you to do?"
E#1: ::looking entirely and completely confused::
"I'm sorry, ma'am. Which thing would that be?"
Me: ::scoffing and getting more indignant::
"You know...the thing! The thing! I emailed you and left you a
voicemail! I'm pretty sure we talked about it in the staff
meeting, too."
E#1: "Hmm. Let me check. No voicemail. The only email I have from
you was the one where you were ranting about the fitness teacher
being a jerk because he disrespected you via email but then you
realized you misunderstood his email and were thinking
you probably shouldn't have sent him a reply email calling him
an 'asshat dillhole'. "
Me: "Are you sure? I'm pretty sure I emailed you, called you and
discussed it with you in a meeting."
E#1: "Are you sure it was me? Perhaps it was another employee?"
Me: "No, it was definitely you. Here...I'll show you the email I sent you."
::checking email::
"Ohhhh... I have an email here I sent to myself reminding me to
email you. Sorry"
E#1: ::rolling eyes, smiling smugly and mentally preparing his resume::
Conversation #3
Me: "Honey, I think I have amnesia."
Mike: ::typing on his laptop and refusing to make eye contact::
"You don't have amnesia."
Me: "I'm pretty sure I have some kind of selective amnesia. I'll check
WebMD."
Mike: ::stops typing and looks scared::
"No, please dear God, do not get on WebMD. There's no such thing
as 'selective amnesia'."
Me: ::sneering at his idiocy::
"Oh yeah? Since you have a medical degree from WHERE? If I recall
correctly, there is."
Mike: ::looking up to the heavens, praying for patience::
"WHY do you think you have amnesia?"
Me: "Well, I keep forgetting things and I'm too young to have dementia.
Wait, maybe I have dementia!"
Mike: ::resuming typing::
"You don't have dementia."
Me: "You don't know! If I don't have amnesia and I don't have dementia,
what are you saying? What? You think I'm getting dumber??"
Mike: ::typing::
Me: "Honey?"
Mike: ::typing::
Me: "HEY!"
Mike: ::typing::
So there you have it. I'm clearly getting dumber. The only saving grace is that I'll forget how dumb I am. Just give me a minute...
Conversation #1
Me: "Honey? Have you seen my glasses? I can't find my
glasses."
Mike: ::typing on his laptop and refusing to make eye
contact::
"No, I haven't. When did you last see them?"
Me: "You're such a wisenheimer. You know I can't see
without my glasses. You're just mean. You never
help me with anything."
Mike: ::still typing, shakes head::
"No, I was asking when the last time was that you
had them."
Me: "Oh. Um, last night?"
Mike: ::typing slower::
"Did you check the couch? Did you check the
nightstand? Did you check the bathroom?"
Me: "Well, no. I pretty much stood here and didn't see
them and I thought you might know where they
are."
Mike: ::putting down the laptop, still not making eye
contact, walks into the bedroom, retrieves glasses
from nightstand, walks back into the living room,
hands glasses to me, picks up laptop, continues
typing::
Me: "Thanks. I knew you knew where they were."
Conversation #2
Me: ::grumbly and starting to get indignant::
"HEY! Employee #1! Where's that thing I asked you to do?"
E#1: ::looking entirely and completely confused::
"I'm sorry, ma'am. Which thing would that be?"
Me: ::scoffing and getting more indignant::
"You know...the thing! The thing! I emailed you and left you a
voicemail! I'm pretty sure we talked about it in the staff
meeting, too."
E#1: "Hmm. Let me check. No voicemail. The only email I have from
you was the one where you were ranting about the fitness teacher
being a jerk because he disrespected you via email but then you
realized you misunderstood his email and were thinking
you probably shouldn't have sent him a reply email calling him
an 'asshat dillhole'. "
Me: "Are you sure? I'm pretty sure I emailed you, called you and
discussed it with you in a meeting."
E#1: "Are you sure it was me? Perhaps it was another employee?"
Me: "No, it was definitely you. Here...I'll show you the email I sent you."
::checking email::
"Ohhhh... I have an email here I sent to myself reminding me to
email you. Sorry"
E#1: ::rolling eyes, smiling smugly and mentally preparing his resume::
Conversation #3
Me: "Honey, I think I have amnesia."
Mike: ::typing on his laptop and refusing to make eye contact::
"You don't have amnesia."
Me: "I'm pretty sure I have some kind of selective amnesia. I'll check
WebMD."
Mike: ::stops typing and looks scared::
"No, please dear God, do not get on WebMD. There's no such thing
as 'selective amnesia'."
Me: ::sneering at his idiocy::
"Oh yeah? Since you have a medical degree from WHERE? If I recall
correctly, there is."
Mike: ::looking up to the heavens, praying for patience::
"WHY do you think you have amnesia?"
Me: "Well, I keep forgetting things and I'm too young to have dementia.
Wait, maybe I have dementia!"
Mike: ::resuming typing::
"You don't have dementia."
Me: "You don't know! If I don't have amnesia and I don't have dementia,
what are you saying? What? You think I'm getting dumber??"
Mike: ::typing::
Me: "Honey?"
Mike: ::typing::
Me: "HEY!"
Mike: ::typing::
So there you have it. I'm clearly getting dumber. The only saving grace is that I'll forget how dumb I am. Just give me a minute...
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